I thought about this blog last night for some reason. I wondered if it was still here.
It is. Obviously. I read some - about the holiday we took to Brittany in 2007. It was bitter sweet. It was a confused time in my life. The words say so little about what I was actually experiencing. I can read them now in a detached way, and see myself struggling with life.Not that I've got it sorted now. But at the time I felt trapped by circumstances and must have known that it would require some pain and change and eventually some self-analysis. I'm glad none of us are there anymore.
Ten years ago my life looked different in lots of ways. My job, relationships, family all changed after that. I was married to Antonia, my dad was alive, I was a web site developer mainly, involved in the Arts Forum in Newbiggin, part of 3 bands, had a particular social group. All that has changed now. I separated from Toni in 2009, my dad died in 2010, my business took a nosedive in the financial crisis and also as a result of my emotional mess with those major events. I was experiencing things that are too painful even now to talk about in a public way. Wow life goes on. I could spend a lot of time studying my motivations and actions from those years, and it's not a pleasant thing to do. I don't know what I'd have done differently, and what would have been the same if I'd been able to re-run it. Such is life.
Also looking back I'm struck by how those days were pre-Facebook and life was in some ways simpler. Blogs were big, and I read about 6 every day. I like blogs and there's something about the longer form that we miss with Facebook, and never existed with Twitter etc. Some things need more words and more thought and to consist of more than just sharing what someone else thinks.
So here I am - I've re-activated the blog and, like I did in 2012, wonder how long it will continue. Part of me would like nobody to read this so I can just say exactly what I want without fear of those I care about reading it and analysing me. I've hurt people, let some down, in amongst the happiness and successes over the past 10 years. It's complex. Life is. Being honest with myself is important - I couldn't be back then. I wouldn't let myself.
I am living in the same house. My kids Katrin (now Will age 21 soon), Oliver (18 this year) and Rebecca (now Frankie soon to be 15) are growing up fast. I have them with me 2 weeks, then they live with Antonia - also in Newbiggin - for the next 2. I'm in a relationship with Rebecca and a couple of months ago she moved in to Argyle Terrace and we share our lives. We're busy people, and getting there in our businesses.
I think a lot about where the UK, USA and Europe are going politically. In many ways I live in a socialist bubble. Most of my friends are of the same mind as me regarding matters of socialism, immigration, education, politics etc. It troubles me to see the polarisation of politics and general opinion, and the dumbing down of everything that matters. As well as the widening of the prosperity gap. I feel exhausted by it all. I want it all to go away and to wake up in a fairer, kinder world. It doesn't work like that, but I really do wish it did.
Well that's enough for now as I've got work to do. Rebecca is in Torbay for the next week and I've got a full 5 days on my own before the kids come back to me on Friday. Maybe that's what's triggered this introspection? I usually go into a mood dive when I'm alone. So let's keep busy! Speak soon I hope x
Just over the last couple of months I have felt the way I did 15 years ago when I started web design with my business, Sound Ideas. Back in those days I was just about the only full time web designer in Northumberland, and one of only two on the Business Link Approved Suppliers Register.
It was a time of extreme growth in the Internet, as small business everywhere realised that they needed a web site, and demand outstripped supply for about 2 years - at least in this part of the country.
My memory of that time was of answering the telephone every day and wondering where I was going to find the time to do all the work. And Business Link was picking up 75% of the cost, at £400 a day. I worked morning noon and night Monday to Friday, and often at weekends too. That wasn't good for my family life and general levels of energy. But the bank was happy.
I had a real sense of excitement and enthusiasm then. And over the years, as there have been fewer new experiences, so my levels of enjoyment and enthusiasm have settled a bit, and more recently diminished more noticeably. After doing something for so long it is to be expected that it might not feel as fresh and exciting as it once did. But such is the world of work.
In the last year, there has been a steady turnaround, as my business head has woken up again, and decided to turn off the autopilot. Since last summer particularly, I have been turning the business around and starting to enjoy it all again. But just in the last month it has been unavoidably apparent that I enjoy my job.
It's not easy being self employed. The buck always stops at me and when things go wrong, there is no hiding. Fortunately things don't go wrong all that much, and particularly recently I have been hugely encouraged and buoyed by some wonderful client feedback that reminds me that I'm doing what I should be doing.
I enjoy working for Sound Ideas. I enjoy meeting with the clients and finding out a out what makes their business tick. And I enjoy being creative and delivering solutions and training and designs and strategies that help them do what they do better than they have before.
I just had a meeting with an NBSL advisor about running a series of seminars, and I'm really looking forward to it. And I'm looking forward to the creative professional challenges and opportunities 2012 will bring. That's all that I can want really. Bring it on!
2011 was a year of big ups and some downs too. But the ups were so amazing that it kept the downs in perspective I have some amazing memories from this year, including Leeds Festival, going to Manchester with the kids and Rebecca to see Adam Buxton, going to Amsterdam for the first time, seeing James Taylor in Birmingham with Paul and Barbara and Rebecca, Christmas with the family, The Edinburgh Festival, meeting and making new friends including Larry and Lorna, and seeing lots of good old friends. Friends and family are there to keep you going during the hard times, and add a cherry to the cake in the best times. I am sure next year will build on this one and be even better. Enjoying work, proud of my amazing kids, and enjoying a good, happy and loving relationship with someone who really gets me, and is happy to make me happy. Wherever you are, I hope that the coming year brings you better things than last year, however good that was. Wishing you all a time of happiness and peace and progress in 2012 xxx
Melancholia - Lars von Trier
The Guard - Irish comedy
Trollhunter
Super8
The Artist
Hugo - Scorsese film about film pioneer Melies
Happy People - Werner Herzog documentary
Project Nim
Holiday - Cary grant
Silent Running
This is not a film
Piña
We need to talk about Kevin
The kid with a Bike - uplifting
Senna
A separation
Le Quattro volte
The future - quirky couple get a cat
Film Socialisme - Jean Luc Godard
Thanks to my lovely children for the occasional strange blog that gets posted here. Every now and then one of them asks if they can "borrow" my phone and the results speak for themselves. Such wonderful imaginations etc.
I hope anyone who occasionally comes across this blog appreciates them. For more accurate insights into my world and mind, contact ms directly. I favour real over virtual contact these days and would be happy to have a coffee and a chat if you're around - chin chin!
Jedi is a religion? What sort of sado's believe in Jedi'. Yeah, they're amazing! Not. Now, Voldemort is a awesome religion. "I'm a Voldemortian!" would be an amazing thing to say to a teacher.
"Die foul beast, my all mighty leader killed Harry Potter. I don't care if J. K Rowling says!" I would say that to my father any Wednesday.
Jedi is a religion? What sort of sado's believe in Jedi'. Yeah, they're amazing! Not. Now, Voldemort is a awesome religion. "I'm a Voldemortian!" would be an amazing thing to say to a teacher.
"Die foul beast, my all mighty leader killed Harry Potter. I don't care if J. K Rowling says!" I would say that to my father any Wednesday.