If you see someone washing a car, say to them "Hey - can you do mine as well!". They will think this is very funny.
If someone has a birthday, say to them "Another year older, eh?" or "Getting on a bit!" or "Happy birthday!" These are all really clever things to say.
If you see someone drop money, call out "Throwing your money away, are you!!" very loudly at them for a guaranteed big laugh!
If you see someone trip or fall, shout at them "Did you enjoy your trip!", even if it is clearly a nasty accident.
If someone forgets something they are telling you, shout "it must have been a lie!" in their face, or "Is your memory not what it used to be!!!" or "Can't you even remember anything! You stupid idiot!!!" in their face and laugh loudly right at them.
If you notice someone who is upset or crying, call out "Cheer up! Things could be worse!", or "At least you've got your health!" or "Never mind!" or "Stop being so stupid and just smile - can't you even do that? Well? Can't you?".
Extracts from the forthcoming book "Clever things to say for every possible occasion".
I was always overjoyed when people first looked at my new born son and said "He looks like you" or the classic "you can't deny him can you"
Both of these things making me wonder what they knew about Rebecca that I didn't.
Posted by: Ian | November 09, 2005 at 09:06 PM
You're forgetting that timeless and ever-so-funny line: "Is it me, or is it hot in here?"
Posted by: AndyC | November 10, 2005 at 12:48 AM
Working at ASDA, as I do, I spent most of my evening on my knees facing up the shelves. And I laugh, at least 4 or 5 times a night when people say - "say one for me while your down there". Especially as the same person said the same thing two nights ago.
Posted by: John Cooper | November 10, 2005 at 12:31 PM
Hey Jason? Have you ever heard this one? If someone calls you a silly or insulting name you respond by saying, "I know you are, but what am I?" AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH Hilarious eh? I bet you never heard that one before. You should put it in your book!
Posted by: Marco Ciotoli | March 20, 2007 at 03:35 AM
Yes. That's excellent.
Posted by: Jason | March 20, 2007 at 08:21 AM
these are fucking retarded, are you serious?
Posted by: mr.negitive | April 18, 2007 at 12:54 AM
Very good! What is the occasion that you'd use this phrase though? Would it be a good phrase to use, perhaps, when being introduced to your girlfriend's family for the first time?
Posted by: Jason | April 18, 2007 at 09:42 AM
Is this gay or what? Who says this crap? the headline of this website should be... clever ways to prevent you from ever getting laid. how did I end up on this homosexual hangout site?
Posted by: Chad | August 02, 2007 at 09:03 PM
Another excellent suggestion, and if I might add, particularly witty! Chad, you're the man! I would suggest using your phrase when you fail to notice that 'humour' is being used on a weblog - it certainly had me smiling wryly to myself! I would - not meaning to be critical - try to make it a little 'snappier' or 'punchy' as it's a little wordy at present, and (this is just a personal view) a little less 'down' on homosexuals. I would build on the part about your unsuccessful romantic involvements with (I assume) members of the opposite sex wth whom an agreement of trust as to a mutual physical encounter might be reasonably expected, given the right conditions and a thorough health-check - and perhaps leave it at that. Less is more, but nevertheless a brave effort! Well done.
Posted by: Jason | August 03, 2007 at 07:18 AM
omfg thts retarded. u mst hav seriously bad taste or NO senc ov humour. was tht a joke?!
Posted by: Mia | August 13, 2007 at 06:09 AM
these things really are NOT clever! damnit! get a life
Posted by: Andrea | October 25, 2007 at 09:22 PM
Now this is just a guess - but are any of these somewhat negative comments from.....Americans?
Posted by: AndyC | December 14, 2007 at 12:50 PM
I've worked in the public history field for 19 years now, and have might suggest that you do a series of books for specific professions. It would be kind of like those thought-provoking Chicken Soup for the Book Lover's/Toll Booth Attendant's/Incurable Pedophile's Soul. (After all, you're writing a book anyway. you might as well write one for me while you're at it! AHAHAHAHA! I'm so clever!)
Here are some anecdotes from my own experiences.
Once, as I was painting a fence, someone came up to me and said, "Hey! Why don't you get Huck Finn to do that for you?!" Oh, we laughed and laughed at that one. And then I told him, "it was actually Tom Sawyer who pulled the fence trick, you dicknose!" And that just set us off again!
Oh, and there was the time that we had prepared a "typical" meal as a demonstration of 19th century foodways, when a visitor said, "Great! We're just in time for lunch!" Oh, holy crap, we just doubled over with laughter.
Posted by: Rob | February 28, 2008 at 07:04 PM
Rob, your comments and experience warm my heart, and are an inspiration to us all - well done. One of your stories, but I can't remember which one, reminded me of the time I was tending to my nephew's elbow (I think a sheep/goat/calf had roughly licked it, and it needed a new dressing) and he said "hey uncle, don't use mayonnaise!". It was actually TCP!!! I literally wet my pants I laughed so hard. The boy (Susie) went on to get much better, but ironically lost the arm the following year in a cycling accident. Talk about wasting my time!
Posted by: Jason | February 29, 2008 at 07:33 AM
they're taking the michael you idiot
Posted by: Izzy | June 25, 2008 at 11:35 PM
wot the hell is this site none of the comments are actually clever at all not even a bit some perhaps mildly amusing but seriously not clever at all ever!!!
Posted by: Amy | July 21, 2008 at 01:41 AM
an interesting point eloquently made. However, wasn't it Lionel Blair who said "cleverty is in the ear of the behester"? I don't care, but he probably thought it, which is even more important.
Posted by: Jason | July 21, 2008 at 07:59 AM
My - that was a refreshing read. Restores one's faith in human nature.
Posted by: Jac | August 01, 2008 at 09:54 AM
what a load of bollox, get a life mate or get laid
Posted by: D [a] VIE | August 21, 2008 at 07:15 PM
what a load of bollox, get a life mate or get laid
Posted by: D [a] VIE | August 21, 2008 at 07:51 PM
D [a] VIE - thanks for your suggestion, which has been carefully noted. But why choose when you can have BOTH?
Posted by: Jason | August 21, 2008 at 07:57 PM
Oh what a fantastic site! How delightfully dry and witty. I am barely able to see through my tears of laughter. Keep it up sir! And to put to rest rumours that we all just don't get it(Andy C)I am from the U.S. Idiocy is Universal not just American =)
Posted by: Sarah | January 28, 2009 at 10:18 PM
HAHAHHAHAHA, this guy was serious? If someone was that moronic around me I'd punch 'em in their nose.
Posted by: Bucaroo Kangaroo | February 12, 2009 at 11:21 PM
WOW....this is what decades without human contact with a pussy can do to you. this is when you would start paying for sex.
as a girl if a guy ever said any of those to me i would change my home adress and cell phone immediatly can you say CREEEEPPPYY
for the record i have no idea how i ended up on this site.
Posted by: hayley | October 04, 2009 at 10:29 AM
no offense but these jokes r just stupid
Posted by: ethan rappaport | November 21, 2009 at 12:47 PM