I thought about this blog last night for some reason. I wondered if it was still here.
It is. Obviously. I read some - about the holiday we took to Brittany in 2007. It was bitter sweet. It was a confused time in my life. The words say so little about what I was actually experiencing. I can read them now in a detached way, and see myself struggling with life.Not that I've got it sorted now. But at the time I felt trapped by circumstances and must have known that it would require some pain and change and eventually some self-analysis. I'm glad none of us are there anymore.
Ten years ago my life looked different in lots of ways. My job, relationships, family all changed after that. I was married to Antonia, my dad was alive, I was a web site developer mainly, involved in the Arts Forum in Newbiggin, part of 3 bands, had a particular social group. All that has changed now. I separated from Toni in 2009, my dad died in 2010, my business took a nosedive in the financial crisis and also as a result of my emotional mess with those major events. I was experiencing things that are too painful even now to talk about in a public way. Wow life goes on. I could spend a lot of time studying my motivations and actions from those years, and it's not a pleasant thing to do. I don't know what I'd have done differently, and what would have been the same if I'd been able to re-run it. Such is life.
Also looking back I'm struck by how those days were pre-Facebook and life was in some ways simpler. Blogs were big, and I read about 6 every day. I like blogs and there's something about the longer form that we miss with Facebook, and never existed with Twitter etc. Some things need more words and more thought and to consist of more than just sharing what someone else thinks.
So here I am - I've re-activated the blog and, like I did in 2012, wonder how long it will continue. Part of me would like nobody to read this so I can just say exactly what I want without fear of those I care about reading it and analysing me. I've hurt people, let some down, in amongst the happiness and successes over the past 10 years. It's complex. Life is. Being honest with myself is important - I couldn't be back then. I wouldn't let myself.
I am living in the same house. My kids Katrin (now Will age 21 soon), Oliver (18 this year) and Rebecca (now Frankie soon to be 15) are growing up fast. I have them with me 2 weeks, then they live with Antonia - also in Newbiggin - for the next 2. I'm in a relationship with Rebecca and a couple of months ago she moved in to Argyle Terrace and we share our lives. We're busy people, and getting there in our businesses.
I think a lot about where the UK, USA and Europe are going politically. In many ways I live in a socialist bubble. Most of my friends are of the same mind as me regarding matters of socialism, immigration, education, politics etc. It troubles me to see the polarisation of politics and general opinion, and the dumbing down of everything that matters. As well as the widening of the prosperity gap. I feel exhausted by it all. I want it all to go away and to wake up in a fairer, kinder world. It doesn't work like that, but I really do wish it did.
Well that's enough for now as I've got work to do. Rebecca is in Torbay for the next week and I've got a full 5 days on my own before the kids come back to me on Friday. Maybe that's what's triggered this introspection? I usually go into a mood dive when I'm alone. So let's keep busy! Speak soon I hope x